Step Five

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

So there we were…coffee in hand, sitting across from each other at the park. I was staring awkwardly off into the distance as my sponsor was waiting patiently for me to begin. The moment had come for me to clean out my closet and expose years of resentment, fear, and poor moral behavior. I had spent several hours compiling an honest and thorough fourth step in the preceding couple of months, and though there was delay on my part, I was finally done! I was relieved and excited to begin step five, but that was somewhat shadowed by fear and insecurity for what I was about to disclose to this man that I had only known for six months. I couldn’t help but ask myself, “Is this really necessary to stay sober?” Then, without dwelling on that brief moment of doubt, I did what I had been doing since my first day of sobriety. I trusted in the process, I trusted all the people that came to AA before me, I trusted my sponsor, and most importantly I trusted that God would watch over me. So, I began reading off my resentments one by one. First the person/place/institution that I resented, why I resented them, how it affected me, and last, what my part was in the resentment. Followed each time by a brief discussion between my sponsor and me about how I was selfish, fearful, or concerned in matters that were not my business. It almost made me laugh to see how many things I resented that had no real bearing on my life and how much confusion and chaos goes on in my head on a daily basis. It really helped to get a new perspective on my thinking. Next, I read all of my fears aloud. I thought that I might be judged or that my sponsor would laugh at me, but to my surprise and comfort, he shared with me most of the exact same fears. We began talking about them and he helped me realize that my fears were not real, but just created in my mind. Last, I read several pages of my moral conduct inventory starting as early as I could remember in my childhood and finishing with that day. There were several things in my inventory that I was not proud of, but after my sponsor shared some items from his inventory, I knew I was not alone. When we finished I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted!  However, spiritually, I felt very connected to God and was overcome by a huge sense of relief. After a prayer and a hug, my sponsor sent me off to complete my sixth and seventh steps alone in the mountains overlooking the valley. As we parted ways, he said to me, “Welcome to AA, most people don’t make it this far.”

–Jeff F.